1. Always Kiss Her First
If you head straight for the business district, she'll feel like you're paying by the hour. Kissing is a great way to get her motor running, so make it lengthy and imaginative; that means more than 10 seconds. Start gently, and then graduate into a long, passionate kiss. It wouldn't hurt to nibble (lightly) and suck on her lips too. And she'll melt if you hold her face in your hands and play with her hair.
2. Don't Play Tonsil Hockey
Try not to pop your tongue out the back of her head. He who goes deepest doesn't win!
3. Nibble Her Ears
A classic that still works. But don't stick your tongue straight in; this isn't an extra orifice! And don't blow in it; that's just loud and annoying.
4. Undress Her Slowly
Unlike porno actresses, real world women love the agony of anticipation and the torture of teasing. Plus, those nice, lacy bras we wear are not cheap. Rip them and we'll be pissed!
5. Time Her Perfectly
If you can keep track of a woman's cycle(if you think we're talking about our bikes, you don't deserve to have sex...), then you can figure out the times you should go for the gold. She's hotter than Georgia asphalt 12 to 16 days after her period. So check for the signs and do the math.
6. Go Easy On The Boobage
Don't breast-feed, bite, chew (ouch!) or act as if you're tuning a radio, instead, treat breasts like they're soft serve ice cream cones. Use gentle kisses, caresses, long licks and strokes-all over both breasts; and take your time. Remember that we're sensitive about our boobs just as you guys are insecure about your johnsons, so compliment their beauty and not their size.
7. Say The Right Thing
You'll have a hard on the size of a scud missile and she'll still obsess about whether her thighs are grossing you out. It doesn't hurt to tell her how sexy she is and how turned on you are. Now show her.
Women want to try new things-we just don't want to feel slutty doing them. Say, "Hey we could try..."But never, "My ex liked to..." unless you like sleeping on the couch.
9. Be A Smooth Operator
That sexy stubble is like 60-grit sandpaper on her face and thighs. And while you're at it trim and file your nails: Any rough edge can feel like a chain saw on our soft spots.
10. Go Down More Often
The fact is, women love it...but only if it's done well. Be excited about it. If you're not, she won't be either. Don't drive it to the hoop. Warm her up slowly with your fingers, and then let your tongue take over.
11. Give Sex A Soundtrack
Moaning, grunting, and other animalistic sounds are good. Just do us a favor and don't say corny shit like "Ride my love stallion."
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Sunday = Sports.
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say "you're welcome" ... that will bring on a "whatever").
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying ____ YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3.